Never say the worst has happened.....

 Back in August of 2012 the 14^th to be specific, I was rushed to the hospital in an ambulance.  For the previous 24 hours I had been experiencing increasing abdominal pain, which eventually led to vomiting and fever.  For most of the time I assumed it was food poisoning and tried to ride it out.  Finally I contacted my doctor who insisted I be seen at a walk in or emergency clinic.  I did that and had a CAT scan which resulted in an ambulance coming to take me to Lawrence Hospital. 

In the emergency room I was joined by my gastroenterologist, Dr Feingold.  In his typical reassuring style he told me a surgeon was on the way and I would be fine.  My good friend Maryliz came to keep me company and signed as medical proxy.  Dr Kerin arrived some time later, the surgeon was also reassuring and told me the prognosis was excellent but I would have a colostomy for the next three months.

No idea how I kept calm, but I did.  Gave Maryliz details of my will, how to reach the lawyer and she made arrangements to care for my dog.  The doctor had a ECG and chest xray done and I was in the OR within an hour of entering the ER.

The next 6 days spent in the hospital, were a mixed bag, no pun intended.  For the first few days I lay in the dark and refused any attempts to cheer me up.  I needed the space to process what had happened to me.  Then I dealt with the ostomy bag, the change in diet and the future.  Finally I went home and was grateful for my friends, neighbors, local services and the grounds of my coop where I could sit and bask in being alive.

I went back to work after two weeks at home and established a sort of normalcy.  One of the amazing things was finding out how common this is.  Seems almost everyone I spoke to knew someone who had a similar experience, and recovered well.   The focus for me was on the reversal of the surgery and having my life back.

November 16^th I was again in Lawrence Hospital for surgery.  Dr Kerin was 3 hours late but the procedure went well.  The recovery from this is more of a challenge than I was prepared for.  My current struggle is to be grateful for the outcome and tolerate the process.  Pain has receded, bowels are functioning, but there is draining, odd pains and sadness.  I can drive a car, I hope to work on Monday and one day I will ride my horse again.  A friend has offered his guest house in Florida in February whenever I want it.  Thank you, for the friends, the doctor, small savings, the future I still have. Thank you.

Here I am four weeks out from surgery and still struggling to be grateful.  I learned from the ECG that sometime in the past year or so I had a silent heart attack.  Hopefully the silent part means it did little damage.    I haven’t ridden my horse in forever, the longer the time takes the harder it is to picture riding again.  Judy, the farm owner and mentor on all things horse, says it is like riding a bike, but this is not my old bike. 

Loneliness is creeping in, financial worries are also knocking but in reality I have enough for several months if not longer.  Probably the after effects of this entire trauma are conspiring to sadden me, it is the holidays, after all I time of universal depression.